Same Old Story

There's been a lack of updates because there really hasn't been anything to update you about! (And frankly, I don't know how many people are reading this, or are remotely interested). I got an email this week from the visa agency informing me that they need more information, documents and stuff, which means it's going to take a while to get the visa. I really didn't think it was going to take this long, up to two months they said. My frustration is up there. I'm getting more and more embarrassed about staying here, because I have to keep repeating the same answer to everyone- no, I don't know when I'm leaving, yes, I'll tell you when I'm leaving, no I'm not excited yet but I'll get there! Anyway, same old song and dance. Hopefully I'll have a new routine soon.

Kinda Over It

Learned yesterday that my visa application was only turned in last Friday...6 days ago. Here I was thinking it's been at least 2 weeks so I should be prepared to get a notification within a week that I'm leaving. Guess that's not going happen. At this point, I don't know what I feel or if I'm even interested any more. Part of me is like, 'that's fine, I'll wait longer', other part is 'why is this happening to me', a third side is 'I'm done'. I kinda wana slash something, sob all night, or just disappear. The lady we talked to at the info center said it could take up to two months for the visa to come in, so now, instead of feeling nervous and excited, like I was, and trying to get everything ready to pack, I have no feeling, I've shut it off...or at least trying. I'm thinking I'll never leave, feeling like I don't want to leave the house, like I don't want to interact with anyone because I'll blow with frustration very, very soon.

I've been given the option to leave and go somewhere else first, like serve at a Baha'i school or go to Taiwan to work on my Chinese, and honestly, where I'm standing now, going back to school would sound more exciting. I could get a job, but I would have to live at home. I could go to Taiwan or Cambodia before Australia, but that would be more money out the door, which I'm trying to avoid. I don't think I'm the type of person to just get up and go, to change plans in the middle of a plan, which might be the reason why none of those options sound good to me. If there was a button that I could push and it could catapult me to age 40, where hopefully by then I have a life in order, I would push it so hard it would probably catapult me to age 80.

A spa week sounds good right about now...oh to live the life of the rich...at least if I wanted to disappear I could do it with no financial worries, and in style. I guess I could do some bargain retail therapy instead.

I'm in a Rut.

It's May!!!!!!!!! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyy am I still here?!?! Well, I know why, but it makes me feel less of a loser if I pretend and stay in the denial zone. So far, my days are packed with...nothing. It sucks. More than you know. We always dream of having nothing to do, of having time off infinitely, and it's perfectly perfect in the beginning- no worries, no alarm clocks, no obligations- but after a while, 7 months to be exact, it gets old fast. It's only fun when you do it with friends, maybe road trips or skydiving or swing dancing lessons, not as cool when you're left to your own devices. I've been in this physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, human-existence rut for longer than I like...I did get a little better, but now I'm going South, and it's sucking me in! It's a completely out-of-body experience. You're telling yourself, "Go out! Do something! Mingle! Move!", and just can't, because all your attention is focused on how crappy you feel and how you don't know where to start. So getting back to the point, I'm slowly going backwards; the longer I stay in Cali, the faster I'm gana fall.

I did, however, read a book! I'm not a big reader, although I have a lot of books which may deceive you into thinking that I love reading and am well read (which I desperately want to be), but for some reason this book caught my eye (maybe cuz it was on clearance for 4 bucks; I'm sure that helped). Anyway, I've been engulfed in it. It's a book about a girl who's whole life falls apart in one day and ends up going to Buenos Aires, Argentina, for six months, which ends up totally changing her life and her perspective of life. In a way, I was imagining me, because I too will be leaving (soon, God willing), and I hope to learn about me and life, and possibly have a life-changing experience. Going on this adventure with the character made me more excited about my trip, like, "I can get out of a rut!" Although, my adventures might be slightly different...(no wine vineyards for me) :) And~ what makes me proud is that I finished it (in a week!) and I liked reading it (still a new experience). It's such an accomplishing feeling when you finish a book you enjoyed; it feels like you've just came back from a vacation, relaxed and dazed.

My Baha'i community, though, is getting out of a rut- it's flourishing. We're getting new people who are excited and dedicated to the Faith, which in turn makes us "old timers" more excited and dedicated. We learned today about how to teach people about the Faith, not just with words, but with love, affection, and friendship, and how to show forth love and excitement with everyone we meet. It's going to be an adventure for our community, since it's the first time we're doing this- mass teaching in the area. People are scared but excited. In reality, we're all going on and participating in new adventures. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but I hope in the future my blogs will be more exhilarating, since I will be actually talking about my time in service, since I'll actually be in Australia, since I'll actually be serving. I want to make this a blog of stories, about growth, personal and spiritual, and not just me whining and complaining. I will get there y'all, just hang in there with me.