Departing July 13, 2009

I am officially leaving for Australia Monday, July 13th.

Two months, 12 posts, many tears later, I have a date....and now I'm scared out of my mind! It just hit me, Bam! when I booked the flight, that I'll be gone. It's a totally different feeling when you're planning something than when your plans go through. I'm scared of having mediocre friendships when I want really close and lifelong friendships; I'm scared I will fail at serving the way I want to serve, failing at the task at hand; I'm scared of being independent, of finding myself, and all that comes with being on my own. I don't wana go!!!! Hahahaha :)

I just wish I was more confident in myself and in the process and journey I'm going to be on. Wish I had a little more faith in myself and in the powers above.

Well, there you have it. Soon I will actually be blogging about being in Australia and giving you some good inside scoop, and letting this blog live up to its name :)

Getting Stuff Together

Now that I have my visa, I feel that I'm slowly slipping into the "putting it off" mode. I did that with applying for a year of service (YOS), with applying for my visa, and what might be booking a flight next. It's just happening so fast, and I'm starting to think I don't do well under pressure- or, pressure that has to do with making a decision quickly- took me about 2 months to take up my grandma's offer of getting a new computer! We're thinking mid-July, definitely before August, as my departing time...at least I'm thinking that. I think my mom is thinking in a week and a half. Now that it's final, I don't want to do it!!!! I don't wana suffer to learn lessons!!! ....ahhhh....what did I get myself into?! :)

I Have My Visa!!!!

Oh, it's been a long time coming. I found out couple of days ago that my visa application has been approved! And so now I'm ready to tie up all loose ends and get going :)

When I found out I didn't really know what to do. I didn't jump up and down, I didn't cry. I simply read the email, thought "ok", went to my room and lied down and tried to figure out what I was experiencing. I had a bunch of different feelings- excited, sad, nervous, anxious, scared...etc, because now I have to go! I think part of me felt that I wasn't going to be getting my visa, that it just wouldn't work out and I wouldn't have to worry about leaving anymore. This is going to be the first time I will truly be away from home- no parents, no one I know- truly starting fresh and becoming more independent. I'm excited to learn more about myself, about the Baha'i Faith, and another country! I know it's going to be challenging, and frankly I'm pretty scared about that. But I hope I will be able to see the good in the bad, to see the final product, and to know that I will grow from this, and to not be defeated by the first blow. It's been great to finally deliver good news to my friends, to let them hear the news I've been waiting to hear for a long time also- you've all been on the journey with me, we all waited anxiously together. Having no news was like having bad news, but I couldn't do anything about it. Now I have good news and I can do something about it!

The next step is to book a flight, get health insurance, figure out my finances, call the phone company, finish hemming my clothes, find a stuffed animal to take (I have a feeling I will have a time where I need to squeeze something and cry), and about 100 other things to do. Oh God, here I go....

Continuing On

No, I haven't gotten my visa yet, and no, I don't have a date of when I'm leaving. It's been a long wait, but I'm trying to see it positively, that maybe there is a super duper reason why I'm not suppose to be there yet. 

Lately, however, I haven't been so successful. I've been feeling like everyone is moving on with their lives while I'm stuck in neutral. Most all my friends are now going into their 4th year of college, getting their Bachelor's Degree (huge!), thinking about grad school, or looking for work, some are getting married, others are moving out into their own places; all are great achievements and accomplishments, all are finishing what they started and are on to anther goal, becoming adults and doing more adult things...and, even though I'm going to be doing something I've always wanted to do (travel), I can't help but feel like I'm not "growing up" with my peers. People say, "oh, wow! Traveling! How exciting; you're going to learn so much..."etc, which is true, but I feel like I'm not on the same playing field as my friends. I don't have a BA, I don't live on my own, I'm not thinking about where I should get a job...I just don't feel like I'm progressing at the same place. I feel like I can't contribute to my friendships anymore because I'm stuck in this place of constant wait. 

I was watching a medical show, and the parents of this little girl were waiting for hours, which seemed like days, for her surgery to be done- that's how I feel, like there is no way for me to hurry the process, all the power and control is in the hands of the other sides'. It's a very frustrating, defeating, and anxious feeling. 

Wishin' and Hopin'

I don't know if I wrote about this, but I got an email couple of weeks ago informing me that the visa department needed more information, health and financial info. They said I needed to get a physical exam and to get a chest x-ray because I'm from Taiwan and there is apparently a high number of TB cases there. So, in came the rush of the feeling of "crap". So, we got right on it- after the party that is :) Got my physical- all's ok. Got the chest x-ray- big surprise, no TB. Picked up the results 3 days afterward, mailed it off to Australia, sent it express to insure it got there in 3 days, and I'm hoping it did...for 70 bucks it better have. I emailed the lady helping me with all the visa stuff, informing her I got all the required info emailed and mailed, and asked her to let me know when she received it. Well, since it was all email I was expecting to get a response within a day, but days have gone by and I've heard nothing. That makes me nervous. She's really good at returning email, so I'm hoping that a) she just forgot, or b)...she just forgot. I've already sent reminder emails, and nothing....oh crap! I do NOT want this to extend even longer because of some lost emails!

I've been imagining what I will feel like when I get that infamous email stating: "Your visa's just been approved! Please book a plane ticket and let us know the details. See you soon!" - and the first feeling that comes to my chest is fear. Second is anxiety, which is the cousin of fear. Third is denial, like, "this isn't happening, nope, I'm not going, I don't want to go". I feel like I have so much to do, and yet, don't know what it is or how to go about fixing that knot that is forming in my stomach and chest. I know there are a couple of things that could make me feel better. One is praying, which I desperately need to learn to do regularly (I hate to admit that I don't do it regularly because I know how important it is to do so); when I'm in the habit, I feel different, I know I'm doing good. I need that again. Second is exercising; it's almost like praying, because when I do it regularly I feel like I'm doing what I'm suppose to do, like I'm accomplishing a task. Plus, it will give me a good outlet for all this nervous energy that I'm harboring. And, I don't think there is a third. How weird that we, I, know what needs to be done in order to feel better, yet don't do it because it will force us to change our habit, our daily cycles.

Hope to have an exciting next headline for everyone. Till then!

Bon Voyage Celebration :)

On Saturday, we put all frustration aside and celebrated my impending departure :) It was a fantastic celebration- there were about 60 people in attendance and some nice surprises here and there. My mom organized and planned the whole event, with me only knowing which day it was going to happen. I didn't know who was going to come, even though I knew who was invited. I got to the scene and it was all decked out in oranges, blues, greens and yellows- colors that will put a smile on any face and uplift any mood. There were balloons and hanging decorations, and little gifts bags as center pieces. People that I knew since childhood, middle school, and only a few months ago came, and it was so great seeing everyone come to wish me off in good spirits. I laughed and smiled so much that by the middle of the party my cheek muscles weren't able to hold a smile anymore, and would tremble anytime I tried to relax hahaha. It was a blast!

During dinner time, which was held on the front lawn, the sprinklers went off! I heard yelling and screaming then started laughing...well, karma baby, the middle sprinkler went off during my giggles and sprayed me wet, ok, maybe not that wet, but I became much colder than I originally was :) It was pretty awesome though.

I was so touched by the effort my mom put into the party, the amount of help the Baha'i community and my friends gave to her, the lovely words given to me by everyone during 'speech' time, and by the amount of love that filled the room. I didn't expect it, and kinda didn't want to, but I got a little choked up while thanking everyone for coming and while explaining what I would be doing abroad. I loved it!! <3>. But that's for another day...this is just a pure joy post! Here are some pictures to make you happy too. I hope you like them